March 26, 2013

My Illusion of Control

Control is a strange thing.

When I control things and things go my way, I tend to feel good, secure and well... in control. But when things don't go my way I tend to try to control them even more! Now that I am sober it seems that the amount of control that I try to impose seems to also be proportional to my level of fear! Fear of... Well, that's the thing, sometimes I don't know what. Maybe a fear of being out of control. I have a lot things going on right now that I have no control over. And I can feel it, I want to have control over those things.

But control is an illusion for me. It's masks itself as care, commitment, and security. Yet, most of the time it causes me resentments, frustration, and exclusion. And at the same time I am very aware that I have no control over  people, places or things, yet I still try. So, releasing control for me is extremely important and also extremely difficult.

The times when I am able to give it up and let go, I certainly feel better, more relaxed and happier. I feel freed! I feel lighter. I am relaxed and clear headed. Of course that seems easy when nothing is going on. But during stressful times I just want to hold on to everything. Ugh. So... I want to be able to give up control more! But I am not sure how exactly to let go of things, it's not like I can put them all in a bag or something and just drop the bag out of the window! Lol!

When I was drinking and was able not to get slobbery drunk, I felt in control, and I was happy. It gave me the sense of accomplishment and I though it proved that I was not an alcoholic. But when I got slobbery drunk, with no intentions to do so, I immediately though of a new way to control my drinking, or tell myself that I needed to try harder and that I can definitely figure out how to make it work. So sometimes, I went to extremes by actually counting, measuring and timing my drinking! (yep, did that!) But it always ended up that, the controlling game consumed me and the more I tried to control my drinking the more things went hay wire and I ended up getting even drunker.

I also think that for some reason, I miss that controlling drinking game I played, it sort of occupied me and made me feel like I was accomplishing something, I was in CONTROL when I was able to control it. Now sober, I think I miss it sometimes, in a very strange way, maybe I want to control something, just so I can have that feeling again, like - I did that! It worked! Yey for me! I am in control! But the feeling is very temporary because really, I am not in control!

 How do you let go of that controlling turmoil?


  1. "But control is an illusion for me. It's masks itself as care, commitment, and security" I love this! It's because I am the same, only didn't realize that...until now. Brilliant.

    I think for me control and being responsible may look alike at times, but are different. I may have the same actions, but in the case of controlling, I am also looking to control the outcome, whereas when I am being responsible and doing what I need to do in practical terms, I leave the outcome to my HP. So when I find that I am trying to get someone to do or say or think something, I am actually losing control the more I try to control them...I want a specific outcome. But when I give it up to God, do what I need to do for that situation and leave the rest to Him...well, I can relax more.

    As to your question...letting go of that controlling turmoil for me is just as simple as a prayer, or literally and/or figuratively putting my hands up and saying "it's not up to me"...hard sometimes...especially when things are exactly groovy, as you mentioned.

    Great post! :)


    1. Thanks Paul! This is a great distinction between control and being responsible! I think I have definitely confused the two at times! This is the key, I cannot control the outcome!


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