AA Step Ten - Continued to Take Personal Inventory Part 2

AA Step Ten - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Ten  

In the first post on step 10, AA Step Ten - Continued to Take Personal Inventory, I had pulled out few lines from the Twelve Steps and Twelve traditions that really resonated with me and that I believe are crucial to our growth as human beings. So in this post I'd like to focus on the actual personal inventory. 

It's a good idea to do the inventory at the end of the day, but really you can do it at any time of the day. It's meant to be a spot check inventory which would help us keep our side of the street clean and begin a journey to a closer connection with our Higher Power.

When starting the personal inventory we foremost must watch out for our old friend - justification - which sweeps in and attempts to give us a legitimate reason for our conduct which was really wrong. Maybe we have "constructively" criticized someone who needed it but in fact we did it to feel superior. Or we appeared helpful just to prosper from the gain ourselves. Maybe our fear has put us against someone who was trying to help us and we saw it as an attack. In these instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal our true motives.

To help us with our inventory we ask ourselves the following questions listed in Alcoholics Anonymous, Big Book (pp. 84-86):

Was I resentful? Selfish? Dishonest? Afraid?
Do I owe an apology?
Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?
Was I kind and loving toward all?
What could I have done better?
Was I thinking of myself most of the time?
Or was I thinking of what I could do for others, what I could pack into the mainstream of life?

It's truly important to also remember all the good that we have done during the day, for using this inventory as a pity party would only turn to be more harmful than helpful. Here we need to take the inventory to help us grow and become better people. To abandon self and focus on helping others. "Love and tolerance of others is our code." We can reach out to those that we dislike and practice courtesy and kindness and even begin to understand them and help them when needed.

Such a radical change in our outlook will take time, maybe a lot of time. Not many people can truly assert that they love everybody. Twelve Steps and twelve Traditions, Step Ten, pg. 92.

This is meant to be a lifetime journey. At all times we continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. And as always we are reminded:

An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek. - Twelve Steps and twelve Traditions, Step Ten, pg. 95.

2014 - One Day at a Time

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a wonderful, sober holiday season!

I have been thinking really hard about this post, I think almost too hard! And I wish I had a very exciting stuff to write about; maybe I could write about all the amazing things I have in store for the new year, all these things that I always wanted to get done, you know like get healthier and slimmer, or all those remarkable actions I would like to get involved in, like run a marathon or climb a mountain. I wish had a handful of New Year resolutions to share with you and get really pumped up about and ready to start!

But… I don’t!

I have no resolutions, no plans, and no goals! It feels very strange, it actually feels a bit uncomfortable. I am a planner, and organizer, a doer, a self-made overachiever, and a perfectionist! How can I not have any plans for my future?!

But... I really have none.

I know tomorrow I will get up, take the kids to school, go to work, sit through several meetings, leave work around 5:30 pm and get home to have dinner with everyone and tuck the kids to bed. Will it be a good day? Yes, it will!

I have truly started living one day at a time. I do plan and have a calendar filled with reminders and I have another one on the wall in the kitchen for my husband. And every night I look at it for the notes for the next day, and that’s it. Really! I am not sure how this happened. It just has become a way of life. I am so grateful that it did, but also I am at wow, that what seemed absolutely unattainable is now happening every day.

I was looking back the other day and come up on a post I wrote back on 6/24/2011:

And so this is my lesson in acceptance and living one day at a time. And since I have decided to focus on the moment I haven't felt like a drink. It has been a good week relatively speaking...well not entirely...my friend's mom died on Tuesday and that threw me in a tail spin for a bit. But at the same time I felt like it was even more crucial for me to live in the moment. Because my mind can take me from here now to dead and buried myself in a matter of seconds! It's scary and it includes all kinds of bad things in the middle. It's very exhausting and dangerous because then fear kicks up, ego gets inflated and I am a complete mess! Then I can't deal with anything. Then I have to rely on my HP and that everything will work out the way it is supposed to work out! One day at a time.

And that is so very true still! The more faith I put in my Higher Power, knowing that things always work out, has completely put my mind at ease. I no longer spend sleepless nights wondering about all the different path a situation can take, or obsessing about what will happen in a month or a year. I don’t contemplate the future of my children or my aging parents. But don’t get me wrong, my life is by no means perfect; I have most definitely had few turbulent situations here and there. And in those times, I was actually more capable of dealing with them instead of agonizing over them. Living in the solution not the problem has been a definite turning point for me last year and I am looking forward to continuing this trend.

And as for a goal for this year... well, I hope for another 365 days sober… one day at a time!

A Sober Year in Review – 2013

The coolest thing about having a blog is being able to go back and see how my life has changed and the growth that I have experienced. I don't usually see it in me until someone points it out or something happens that reminds me of the change. But being able to actually read about the different things I have learned is really amazing!

Here are some of my favorite posts of 2013!

 

How I Ended Up in AA 1/23

I definitely believed that AA was not for me. I kept thinking that I had absolutely nothing in common with those sober AA people! And who the heck wants to be sober anyways! And the whole God thing they kept referring to was scary! And doing the 12 steps was even more freighting. Not for me, life sucked and I was miserable and there was no hope for me. That's what I thought...

I Am Powerless Over People, Places and Things 2/29

I have been thinking about my "friend," who I have written about in The Odds Are Against US and who really is a family member. He is back to doing heroin after about a month of clean time. My heart is filled with fear that he will die before he can get any help and he does not want any help. He is at the point of absolute anger and denial...

My Illusion of Control 3/26

Control is a strange thing. When I control things and things go my way, I tend to feel good, secure and well... in control. But when things don't go my way I tend to try to control them even more! Now that I am sober it seems that the amount of control that I try to impose seems to also be proportional to my level of fear! Fear of... Well, that's the thing, sometimes I don't know what...

Keep Calm and Carry On 4/19

I have been reading tons lately, and found some really interesting and supportive information. I also noticed that many people out there are not so keen on the AA program, and that is OK. I wasn't either in the beginning! So, I was reading the reasons why people felt AA couldn’t work for them, and I started questioning if AA was right for me! (What?!) This seemed rather silly since AA has been a part of my life for so many years now, yet my brain entertained the idea…

There Is Beer In the Fridge! 5/31

I wrote this up yesterday when I was in the midst of myself made drama. I didn't post it because well, I forgot. But his morning on the way to work I thought about it again. This is what I wrote yesterday: So I need to write about this cause it is bothering me. I already talked to my sponsor and she told me to breathe and ask my higher power for strength and protection. But this is still bothering me...

It is Huge Indeed 6/26

I went one of my favorite meetings the other day. It was a beginners meeting. I love beginners meetings because I never want to forget what it felt like in the beginning. I had the pleasure of talking to a woman who has just relapsed after almost 2 years of sobriety. She was in great pain and was quite confused as to how and why the relapse happened. She said she had a hard time quitting again - "This thing is huge, it is way bigger than me!"...

Be Proud to be Sober 7/24

I have been outing myself more and more. I hope I am not going against the AA traditions, but I am feeling like what is the point of being in recovery if no one knows and I can't share it and hopefully help someone else. So here and there I have just been disclosing more about being sober and my recovery. In talking to few people, I have realized that I tend to be more bothered by being the one not drinking than the people around me...

I Am Branching Out 8/22

I have been thinking a lot about the many guiding powers in my life that helped me achieve and keep sobriety. I am so very grateful that I landed in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, where I didn't just clean the past, and learn how to live life, but where I met people that just wouldn't give up on me no matter what! SO, I think it is time for me to give back, and among the few things that I have in mind, I have also decided to start a new blog that is more focused towards others, rather than me - a place where people can find all kinds of helpful information, and inspiration that would optimistically encourage them to get sober...

Meeting at the Detox 9/24

I had a privilege this week to be a part of a group of volunteers that brings AA meetings to the local detox center where I live. It was an amazing experience and it brought out many memories of my own visits to detox, although I have never been to this one. As people introduced themselves around the room, there were quite a few visitors who have been there previously and who have been struggling with alcoholism or addiction for years. This was not like any meetings that I am used too. These people were in the first few days of getting off whatever they were on and still in the daze. What could I possibly say that would help them get sober?...

Asking for Help Sober 10/30

In early sobriety it was absolutely excruciating to ask for help. I mean, me ask for help? Never! But I had to learn to do it, it was either that or keep drinking, and the drinking gig was up for sure. And I needed help to get sober, I just couldn't do it by myself! So I learned, I started asking for help and found that there was plenty of people willing to help me! It was amazing. I didn't feel alone and I was able to learn how to deal with some tricky situations and go through some tough times and sober!...

I Am Not Alone 11/25

In my last post The Little Miracles I talked about sharing - or whining more like it - at a meeting about some of my family members going on a skiing trip and me not being invited. The other part if that story was that they will all be gone over the Thanksgiving holiday and this will be the first year EVER that I will not be spending the holiday with my family of origin. I have known this for about a month now and of course the closer the holiday is, the more upset I have become. Ugh. I feel like my family just doesn't care about me and I am all alone...

Holiday Season Sober 12/18

Oh, what can be said about the wonderful holiday season!? It's stressful. It's demanding, it's exhausting. It sure can be a challenge in sobriety! But it is nothing comparing to the way I used to spend my holiday season... stressed out and drunk. Ugh. This year especially, I seem to have many memory bubbles of the Christmas past. It's not a bad thing necessarily, they just remind me of how far I have come in my journey. Wow, was that really me?...