AA Step Ten - Continued to Take Personal Inventory

AA Step Ten - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Ten  

I learned a whole lot more about the effects of my drinking on the people around me and my relationships with them while making my amends in Step Nine - AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends. Now I get to keep my house clean by doing the daily inventory in Step 10.

I have pulled out few lines from the Twelve Steps and Twelve traditions that really resonated with me. Interesting enough this step is not just about admitting that you are wrong, but a whole lot more that is crucial to our growth as human beings.

Can we stay sober and keep emotional balance under all conditions? -  Forward of the Twelve Steps and twelve Traditions.

Wow, what a question. That seemed unattainable for me in my early sobriety, I mean some catastrophic event - I would think that would make it OK for me to drink, right? Then, in my third sober year, my mom lost her battle with breast cancer and for the last few months of her life I somehow found the courage to stay sober, - you can read more about it: Tulips For MyMom. During that time, I truly realized that there is nothing in this whole wide world that drinking would ever make feel better, in fact, because alcohol is a depressant, it makes things even worse. Instead I was able to walk through this time with clear and open heart and be of service to my mom and my family. The key for me was to stay diligent in my program, close to my Higher Power and connected with other alcoholics! 

It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. - Twelve Steps and twelve Traditions,Step Ten, pg. 90.

From Google Images

I didn’t like that statement the first time I read it! Really? Something wrong with me? Not you, not them, not the world, ME? But this is true, and the best example is when I take things personally; for instance when my brother decided to visit a friend for Thanksgiving instead of spending it with us, and I got very upset at him, and wallowed for days about how I have no family and no one loves me – was that the truth? NO, my feelings had to do with the abandonment issues that I suffered through my turbulent childhood, nothing to do with my brother being invited to go skinning in Europe over the Thanksgiving school break. As soon as I recognized what I was really feeling, I was able to let it go and be happy for my brother.

This has become an amazing tool for being in tune with my own self and my behavior. Sometimes my behavior may be based on something very simple, like HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Sometimes it may be bigger like something reminding me of my childhood, or a way someone treated me. It may also stem from the fact that I am not in acceptance of myself therefore I have a hard time excepting others. Here I need to do the personal inventory; was I unkind? Was I jealousy, angry or resentful? Did I have predetermined opinion? Was I judgmental, or in self-pity? And when I was wrong I need to promptly admit it. Of course like with any inventory we must be sure not to indulge in "pride in reverse" - from Step 4 - where instead of taking an honest look at our wrongs and where we can improve, we use the inventory to indulge in a pity party.

We not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress, not perfection. - TwelveSteps and twelve Traditions, Step Ten, pg. 92.

Yes! Progress not perfection! Thank god because I can't do perfection, I mean I try, I think I am a perfectionist for sure, but that doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes, most likely it means that I probably make even more mistakes! Lol! So progress not perfection, sounds good, it lets me feel like it's is a moving force that is never still but continuously allowing me to grow and change.

An honest regret for harms done, a genuine gratitude for blessings received, and a willingness to try for better things tomorrow will be the permanent assets we shall seek. - Twelve Steps and twelve Traditions, Step Ten, pg. 95.

And the above is definitely my favorite line! That's exactly what this step is about! I love it. I get up in the morning and I feel inspired! That is all I need to do every day!

Sober Progress not Perfection

This is so funny, I swear as soon as I posted my Coasting Sober post, something shifted! Lol! And go figure, I got in a huge fight with my ex today! It's funny cause I was so proud of this new way I have been just coasting thru life, but it looks like I need way more practice! I have to say, it was a great week thought!

So my ex and I got into a big fight. I never know how and when these things escalate but boom, the next thing I know we were threatening each other with court! Ha crazy!  But this time I didn't feel scared, and I didn't feel intimidated, I told my ex - Go ahead, take me to court, you got nothing on me now! - yep that felt gooooood! Yep, this is another great side effect of living a good, kind and sober life for me! My slate is clean!!!

Yet, after I hung up with him, I felt pretty shitty about the whole thing. I mean it's not really important what it was about, but the speed of the progression, from just a conversation to explosion was crazy. He said shit, and I said shit, so he said more shit, so I had to say even more shit! You know, and on and on, till I hung up on him. Oh man, that's not the person I want to be. But pride, and my still (somewhat?) over sized ego was saying - you are right, he is wrong. F him. - So I decided to call my sponsor and confirm of course, that I was right... ha ha, but deep down, I knew I was wrong in my behavior and I needed to "promptly admit it." Ugh. Well, she didn't answer, but I knew what she would have really said and what had to be done; good thing that I am on AA Step 10! - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 

Oh, but my mind was going nuts, yes, no, I don't wanna! But I just hit the speed dial and waited for him to answer, while I was trying to figure out what I was actually going to say. - oh man I don't want to say it! But here it goes…

"I am sorry for my behavior, it was inappropriate."

That's what my sponsor suggests that I say, this way I don't say too much or cause another argument. I also offered to listen to his issue and suggestions, and stay open minded and come to a resolution. And we talked, and I listened, and that's exactly what happened – we came to a resolution. Whew! I felt like hitting that Staples That was easy! button. What a moment of the Twelve Steps in real life! So cool!

OK, now back to coasting sober! Lol! Maybe I can make it a week and half this time! ...work in progress!