AA Step Eleven - Sought to Improve

AA Step 11 - Sought to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. -Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Eleven 

Step 11, AA 12 and 12, pg 96

 When I started my recovery journey, I couldn't stay sober for more than a few months at a time. I was struggling something awful! I was irritable, discontent and just unhappy! I kept thinking that I was missing something and well, I was. Being part of the Alcoholics Anonymous I was often reminded that I needed a Higher Power, a God of my understanding, a belief in something greater than myself, a spiritual path to follow, and faith of some kind. This was quite a tall order for me, oh so scientific mind, and I was not having any part of it - I wouldn't even repeat the Lord's prayer at the end of 12-step meetings. Prayer seemed silly to me; there was no one listening, and who were all these people praying to anyway!?

But after my last relapse I was at my wits end and I was ready to try anything to release me from the viscous alcoholic life. I knew I was missing some kind of spirituality but I just didn't even know where to start looking for it. I read some books, but nothing really spoke to me. I talked to people and got even more confused! I decided that if I couldn't just believe, I would force myself to accept it. I decided to let go of all my old beliefs and bought a little necklaces with a cross pendant. It felt really uncomfortable wearing it at first because it symbolized all that I didn't believe in, but then again, what could it hurt I assumed, it's just a necklaces, sort of like a rabbits foot, a favorite shirt, a lucky hat, or that magic rock! 

I wore my necklace every single day and started to really believe that it had some magical powers. This simple act of wearing the necklaces become something way bigger than I would have ever imagined. It became my protector, it became my guide, and it became my hope! I even noticed that my urge to drink was lifted. Life started to bloom around me. My heart got softer and kinder. I was smiling more often! I even begun to feel happy!

I also started praying. First it was just a simple "Please help me stay sober." and "Thank you for keeping me sober." Then during the night when I could not asleep, I repeated the serenity prayer until I fell asleep; “God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” I would also list all the things that I could not change and all the things that I could change. And I always asked for the wisdom to know the difference. This prayer alone has put my mind at ease many times! Then, I found myself praying in times of hardship and asking for patience, acceptance and forgiveness. When I was faced with difficult people I asked to be compassionate and caring. When had financial troubles I asked to have my worries taken away. I often used lines out of the Lord’s Prayer when dealing with my own wrongs and forgiveness, “And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us" - as well as when I was having cravings for a drink - "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” It seamed that all of the sudden, there was  some prayer that I could repeat that would help me during the difficult times!

I still can't quite explain how all this works. I have actually been able to feel the guiding power in my life and in times of need it was always there to protect me and steer me in the right direction. So, I have continued this practice for a while now, and I have been able to get thru some really challenging times in my life, by simply believing in a Higher Power and praying. Of course, to my biggest surprise, whatever guidance or help I asked for I have received, which is really quite unbelievable but I am so very grateful for all this amazing love that seemed to have come from no where! Who knew?!

I have to mention here, that I always though that one had to follow a religion in order to be spiritual, I never though that you could be spiritual without actual religion. There was a long period in my journey that I was constantly searching for this great religion, but what I didn't see was that spiritually is in each one of use, all we have to do is tap into it!

Today, I truly believe that there is a Higher Power that cares for all of us. I still do not believe in socialized religion but that's ok. I have admired many Christian prayers and I have been able to rely on many Buddhist teachings. And for my guardian necklace, well, it took me a while to replace it with one a bit more fitting, but I think "believe" is just perfect. I still wear it every single day!

Click HERE to read the AA Step Eleven.

Dealing With The Down Side of The Sober Boredom

Sometimes in sobriety we get in a funk, and wonder what is all this work for and when will we finally be happy, joyous and free? And when will we be able to just live like normal people!?

 

Oh, can relate to his feeling! This happens to many of us in sobriety, and often for no reason in particular! It's the blahs, the mehs, the fuck-its! Yes, there are several names for this feeling!

Sobriety often feels like lots of work, and it may feel like the end is nowhere in sight. Things just don't seem to get better fast enough for u,s and we wonder if we really have to do this forever. Ugh! We often feel like we just want to say fuck-it, I am done with all this sobriety crap, I am done with learning about myself, and reading all the literature, and keeping my side of the street clean, and going to the meetings, and staying connected, and on, and on, and on! I want to just be, and do nothing!

The good news is that this feeling is normal, and it will pass too! "Believe it or not, you are right where you are suppose to be!" - my sponsor usual says. Sometimes, I hate when she says that. Lol! I know it's true but I don't want to hear it. She says that, because she believes that this is the time before the next growth spurt. She often reminds me that this is not a race, and there is no finish line. It's just like brushing you're teeth, you do it everyday so your teeth won't fall out! LOL!

The other good news is that if you're getting tired of waiting for the big changes, don't lose hope! One day you will stop thinking about drinking, one day you will stop craving it, one day you will stop missing it. One day not drinking will be normal to you! And one day it will just happen, and you won't really know it, till something triggers it, and then you're gonna be like, wow, I haven't thought about drinking today! As a  matter of fact, I don't know when was the last time I thought about drinking! Wow!

This will happen! I don't know when, but it will happen if you stay sober.

As far as forever, I never was able to think that way. I still say, just for today, but maybe tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and I am like, well, maybe another day. What keeps me going forward now is that I don't want to start over! That is way more work, than continuing to move forward in sobriety. :)

AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends Part 2

- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. -from AA Twelve and Twelve, Step Nine

Well, it has been a couple of months since I posted the AA Step Nine - Made Direct Amends, and I have been able to make several amends. YEY! What surely had seemed like a tall order and gave me several sleepless nights has turned out to be a great relief and a huge eye opener! This time I chose a group of people who I seemed to have just discarded. I used to think that I was actually protecting people by not being around them when I was drinking, but that was not the reality, that was not really what others saw.

In my late drinking years I kept to myself, I stayed away from most people because a. I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore with my drunken stupor behavior and b. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I drank or interfere with it. I would literally lock my door, hide the keys, turn the phone off, and sit by myself, on the couch, and drink! There were family events, birthday and holidays that I missed but at least I was not getting crazy and inappropriate at anyone’s expense! Right?

Well, come to find out that my absence was seen as un-loving, un-caring and quite confusing. It was seen as condemnation! Wow! Was I really that selfish? So selfish that all I really cared about was booze! I think so, because when I think back, the a. point was an excuse and the b. point was my only truth. UGH. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to make amends with this group of people. They were not the ones I hurt directly, where I could just explain what happened; you know like… I was drunk and out of control and I want to make it up to you. These amends seemed to be much more pungent! I had to admit that at the time, alcohol was more important than they were and that all that mattered in my life was drinking. Ugh. That is where my addiction took me. But, how do you make amends for avoiding people?

This took a bit of thought, I Googled "amends" and found this cool article called How to Make Amends from wikiHow.

6. Resolve on some solutions. Expressing your genuine regret will mean a lot more if you provide measurable promises to change. Start by offering ways to provide restitution. For example, if you broke something, offer to buy a new something; if you called a person terrible things, give them a long list of all their positive attributes and explain that you felt jealous of their accomplishments; if you ruined an event for them, offer to stage another one to make up for it, etc. Whether it is money, time, expertise, attention, etc., that you can offer to make things better, then do so. 

I tried to remember the times in the past that I was supposed to see them, or do something for them, or what I was supposed to be a part off and what event I did not show up for. I decide that for  my amends I was going to offer babysitting, house/yard work, and help with cooking and organizing a holiday gathering – and whatever else they ever needed! And I promised to always show up when invited! The people I made amends with seemed very grateful that I was able to explain why I just disappeared, I think it gave them a certain peace of mind, in a sense that they understood that it was nothing that they did, it was me and my drinking. And that my addiction itself was just so powerful and selfish. Yes, all that was important to me was alcohol! Scary. Ugh.

And for me… I got to get some clarity too, I got to offer myself, I got to clear the past crap and drop some more of the rock (Drop the Rock- "DROP THE ROCK" AA based talk by Sandy B.). I feel more grateful and thankful that these people are still in my life and that they were still open and willing to give me another chance. Now that is amazing!

Click HERE to read the AA Step Nine.