June 3, 2013

If You Knew Me Then


I was sitting at the kitchen table last night, putting patches on my daughter's girl scout's vest with great care, making sure that they were evenly spaced and in the correct places on the vest. Then, I had the strangest feeling come over me: Is this really me? Wow. Who is this person? So strange.

You see, if you knew me then, this would not make any sense to you either! Because back then, I was just a party girl! Children and husbands were not part of this equation - clubs, bars and concerts most definitely were! If there was a party, I was there! I was "fly by the seat of your pants" kinda girl - I often just took off somewhere just to go to a party, it didn't matter how far. I once went to Ocean City, MD just to see a band play - 3 hour drive. I could out drink and out last anyone!

My new string bean plant
Then in my later drinking days, it  was quite the opposite - afraid to make an ass of myself again, and haven pissed off and alienated many people I stayed at home. Me, myself and the bottle, or rather bottles, many bottles. Sitting on the couch, in some raggedy sweats staring at the tube and passing out whenever convenient. My days were irrelevant, and continued without any purpose or direction other than to drink. I didn't have a job to go to, or friends to visit, in fact I didn't have anywhere to be. I was depressed, lonely and angry. I hated me and I hated you! And, I hated it all.

Looking at me now, you would have never believe that I was that person, let alone a mom of three and involved with the girl scouts! (If you are not familiar with the GS organization - it requires lots of parental participation.) You would have a hard time believing that I live in a house in the suburbs and plant flowers and and I have my own vegetable garden. You would be amazed at the amounts of cookies and cupcakes that I bake for my kids events. And you would have a hard time believing that I have a full time job and I have had it for the past 3+ years. You would probably notice that I no longer have dark circle under my eyes and my skin is not pale anymore. You would notice that I smile a lot!

You would not be able to comprehend that I used to sit in a dark room and drink myself into an oblivion, night after night.
 
Who was that person?
 
It is still hard for me to believe that I was that person and that I am sober and that this is my life now. I seriously have to pinch myself every day, just to make sure! I would have never dreamed of this, even thought in reality this is the life I have always wanted and I am only living it today because I am sober.

12 comments:

  1. AMAZING! I love reading this type of blog. It makes me wonder about the person I will be after several years sober. I'm still a couple months shy of my first year, and am already totally different. It's amazing how changing one thing in your life, changes everything :)

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    1. Yes, one thing, that is so incredibly hard to do! But what you get in return is indeed amazing!

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  2. I love this kind of stuff too. It brings great hope to those still suffering, or those in any part of their journey. It's amazing how things change when we not only sober up but get into a program of action where we look at living life in a different way, changing our old habits and thought life, and opening ourselves up the new things. I can imagine what you were like there - I bet if anyone mentioned kids and Girl Scouts you would have practically bitten their ear of just for spite. LOL. But we do look back sometimes and say, wow, that was ME? and then we look at ourselves now, like you did, and say wow, is this ME?

    Lovely post.

    Blessings,
    Paul

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    1. LOL! Thanks Paul! So true I would have totally bitten their ears off! My life seems so normal now! or as normal as can be, right? lol! If someone would have told me I would be living this way now, I definitely would have not believed them! Change can be very good :)

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  3. Me three with the loving. Beautiful post. I'm glad you got where you are today. Imagine where you'd be if you hadn't gotten sober? Probably doesn't bare thinking about.

    Congratulations on having built a better life. You're inspiring.

    Lilly

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    1. Thank you so much, really, I know where I would be, most likely dead! and that is not an exaggeration either! So every day is a blessing :)

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  4. Awesome post! I feel the same way. We have a lot in common. My husband and I refer to the "pre-sober Chenoa" and the "post-sober Chenoa." It's really like two different people - and I like the new version of me SO much better than the old! I also know we're some of the fortunate ones - not everyone ends up here. I thank God ever day for this sober life. Have a great day!

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    1. It is like two different people isn't it? And yes we are fortunate ones, many don't make it. But if you just hold on for a little while one day, and another and then a week, a month, few months... days start adding up and things start changing. It is an amazing process. Thanks for stopping by.

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  5. i think these same things every day, especially remembering how many times i drank and drove or whenever i see an alcoholic stumbling down the street in threadbare clothes with only one shoe...there but for the grace of God go i.

    i don't know why or how i was given this second chance, but i will not take it for granted.

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    1. Yep, I put myself in dangerous situations all the time, wonder why nothing horrible ever happened to me, and I got many chance too, during many years of relapsing. It is a true miracle and an amazing gift to be sober!

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  6. "fly by the seat of the pants' type of girl.. that was me too. I blew through time, loved ones and money in record time. I can't get that back but I have today.

    Drinking coffee early this morning I thought 'so this is me? i'm pretty cool. to think this is the person I hid from for so long".

    I don't know why I was spared and I am grateful everyday. I like to say a prayer for those still suffering.

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  7. Lol! I love that saying, I believe it is from Perry Woman, not sure if you know the movie but it was pretty funny. Anyway. I have no idea why I got spared either; it really came to light after a sober friend decided to go out and get drunk and then try to walk across and 8 lane highway... He is no longer with us. That could have very well been me! Prayers to those still suffering.

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Keep moving forward!