The Bond With My Dad

I went to pick up my dad from the airport today after he has spent two months visiting the family in our homeland on the other side of the ocean. I got a huge welcome hug, it was nice! We walked over to my car and he threw his luggage in the trunk. Then he pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Do you want to try some Polish cigarettes? - he asked. I am thinking not really...  but before I got a chance to answer he says - Come on, these are really good! - and he hands me a cigarette. And I put it to my lips and he lights it!

What? What the heck just happened!? I mean I smoke, here and there, mostly just part-time because I just don't have the time and the kids are always around and I don't like to smoke around them. Oh and yes it is bad for me! (ok, ok, I know!)
But there we were, standing by the car, smoking, like we were the long lost friends reuniting after many, many years apart or something... I mean how often does daughter - father smoke cigarettes together! Lol! But, good grief, it felt strangely familiar, a bit like the old times when we drank together...

Yes, we used to drink together, but not like I normally drank, we drank like he normally drank. He would pull out the new... something and then tell me all about it, and where it was from, and how it was made and on and on. Then we would sip and smell.... And sip and smell. He did this with anything, wine, beer, cognac - he actually enjoyed the drink itself! I just wanted to drink! But, I enjoyed having this time with him, because we actually didn't get along that well... He never seemed happy with anything that I was doing, and then complained about the things that I wasn't doing but should be! Ugh. But when we were drinking, we just laughed and carried on!

I really looked forward to those times, I felt like it was my only bond with my dad. When I got sober, I remember actually grieving the fact that I was never going to do that with him again! And when I came to visit him, there was this strangeness, that awkward moment... he would greet me and then he didn't know what to do next. He actually didn't drink around me for the first few years, which was nice and considered, yet even more awkward.

So he was chattering and we were smoking and he was telling me all about his trip, and going on and on, like he does, and then he looks straight at me and says - I heard that you celebrated 5 years! I can't  believe it! Congratulations. You are truly amazing!

And wow.

Let me tell you, my dad has never sounded this excited about anything that I have ever done in the past! Yes, truly amazing.

Normie Friends

We have recently met two families with kids in our new neighborhood and both of our kids have made new friends. We have made some new friends too, with the parents who are normies! - or at least they appear to be after the first few meetings. - If you have never heard the term normie, I didn't make it up, I swear! But in my circles of sober friends, a normie is a person that is not an alcoholic and/or an addict. 

So all this is very awesome, I feel as excited as my kids do! But it also feels a bit scary. Not enough that getting to know new people can be challenging but I haven't even had any normie friends except for my coworkers, since I go sober, actually, probably few years before then! And being in the new neighborhood I still feel like the new kid on the block. LOL!

Last weekend was the 3rd time that all the kids were paying together outside. As I was checking on them periodically, I noticed almost right away, that one dad just sipped on his beer all day long while he worked on his mountain bikes in the garage. - I wondered: How many has he had so far? Doesn't he get drunk at some point? How can he be looking after the kids if he is drinking? - my mind started racing, but wait... He's a normie, he can probably sip on that beer for hours! LOL! And true enough, he did! Ha! I don't know how they do that? Just sipping, all day? I know I would be trashed in a matter of hours. This is how I know I am better off sober!
 
Then the other day, one of the moms told me how her and her husband like to sleep in on Sundays cause you know, they put-one-on Sat nights - that's their night to let loose, she explained. I felt jealous for a second... Then sort of fearful, like she probably won't like me when I tell her that I don't drink! Ahh my thoughts were all over, like back in the high school years: will they like me? will I be popular? what do I tell them? do I tell them? Oh, I just want to fit in! Well... I don't have to tell her until I need to tell her, so that might be... never! And I would rather tell her and risk her not "liking" me, than not tell her and risk my sobriety.

It is amazing that alcohol no longer defines me, but my alcoholism is in the forefront of my mind - it has to be if I want to stay sober. At the same time I have to remember that for the normies it is different, they can take it or leave it, they don't wonder if others drink or not! And they probably don't care that some people do or don't. They may make their own judgements sometimes... But that is not my problem. What others think of me is none of my business!

So all is good! One of the great things that I have learned in sobriety is that I don't have to say or explain why I don't drink until I feel that my sobriety maybe in danger or I feel compelled to share that information with other people who may benefit in some way. I do know that when the time comes I will have no problem saying - I don't drink - and I have to if I want to stay sober!

We Danced Sober, and I am OK

So my husband and I went to the AA Spring Fling dance and truly had a blast. It was absolutely amazing to see all these sober people dancing their butts off! I felt so grateful. So much fun and sober, something I used to think that was undeniably impossible. But I tell you, sober fun is even more awesome; I think the excitement seem to be heightened because it is all natural! LOL! And the fact that you can remember the entire night is a definite plus!

Of course I can't say I wasn't nervous before we got there; my mind was going nuts with insecurities just like it used to in the drinking days. Except those days I had a few drinks to calm it all down! Isn't it amazing what alcohol used to do for me? Couple of glasses of wine and I looked better - definitely slimmer, my clothes fit better, make-up was perfect and attitude of confidence beaming from ear to ear! HA!

Well, what is a girl got to do without her "trusty" courage in the bottle? Tough... But well, if I want to be happy and have a good time I have to drop all that shit on my own! Easier said than done for sure. I was brought up surrounded by negativity and often ridiculed for the way I looked. It all still hangs around like a big dark cloud. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Words that I used to live by. UGH. And today, 11 months after my third child and still carrying some of the baby weight... well, let's just say that finding real confidence was a wee bit difficult!

Oh... I think I changed my outfit at least 10 times, each time running to a different mirror in the house. I can't even tell you about the crazy thought process that was going on in my head - it wasn't pretty! My husband looking very perplexed as he lifted his head up from the phone several times... At one point I stopped and asked if he was ready, he said YES. Is this what you're wearing? -I asked looking at his black tee shirt and jeans. YES, he said. You're OK with that? - I asked. YES, I look good in this shirt - He said.

I look good in many "shirts," but I keep asking myself if others will like my shirt, like I am trying to please others, why am I not trying to please me? Why do I let these damn old tapes play in my head, when I know that they are not true! Ugh. Here again acceptance is absolutely necessary - wallowing in my self-pity is completely useless. Letting go of my old beliefs is crucial to my happiness now, and always. I have to accept me for me, just as I am. This is me. I am ok.

I am OK with me.


I love this line from the AA Big Book; I can apply it to anything in my life!
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." - AA Big Book, Chapter 5.