New Memories in Old Places

Somewhere around 3 years sober the memories of my drinking past started visiting me quite often. It almost seemed that everywhere I turned there was a memory, like the one of that store I used to buy my wine at where the clerk new me by name, or that restaurant I got trashed at, or the piano bar I tried to play piano at  - LOL! - yes that did happen! And there were those other ones too, not so funny, like the time I pulled into someones driveway because I was too drunk to drive anymore, and I was woken up by a man pointing a riffle in my face - yep that did happen too.



Old Town, Alexandria 
from Google Images

So when I recently got this lovely email from my sober pal, about wanting to get together and take the kids somewhere new, I was really excited, yes time to make new memories!

She wrote:
"We went to a wedding in old town last weekend and walked around after the wedding. It's so nice there, there are many little shops, and art galleries, and the whole waterfront is just gorgeous! There was so much going on! Lots of street performers (magicians and musicians), a big candy store, and a beautiful park on the water. Are you up for going there? We could take a picnic and kites. Let me know!"

Interesting enough I knew this "new" place all too well, and the description of how I remember it was quite different! 

My reply:


Old Town, Alexandria 
from Google Images

"Oh gosh, Old Town Alexandria, I used to party there plenty! It was so crazy how my brain just went thru the memory lane as I was reading your description. My favorite bar was there, I watched the last episode of Seinfeld there! Oh, so many memories, OMG, I was thinking, yep I had that nice date in the park, which was my attempt of having a nice, "not so drunk" picnic... yep and that one time when I went to that sports bar and I got cut off on my 5th Long Island Iced Tea... and the other time when we went bar hopping for my friend's bachelorette party...  and once my friend scraped her brand new Mustang convertible as she was pulling out of the spot in the parking garage, after our evening of drinking... and I drank right on that waterfront pier too, poured the wine in my soda cup... Oh and I met bunch of Harley dudes at the Starbucks once, too! Good times, well... some, and some not so good! Some just drunken stupper. UGH. I think it's time to make some new memories there!"

I've been thinking about this all day. I have made so many memories thru my drinking. There is no place in my area that is memory free! How can I make new ones! But I have in fact made new memories in old place already. I used to drink quite often at the Town Center close to where I live, but now we go there to enjoy the Concert on the Lawn summer series with the kids. Ha! So, I am really excited, I am looking forward to replacing those Old Town memories too!

Missing the Happy Hour

Ah, the happy hour, how I do miss thee.  Actually, maybe I don't.  As my coworkers once again were gathering to go to happy hour, my mind went down memory lane.

Happy hour in my later drinking used to be a daily event for me. I do actually  remember when it changed from 3 days a week to 5 days a week. I remember wondering if that was normal, I remember questioning if others did that too. And I remember wondering if you're just suppose to go to happy hour after a bad day, cause it didn't matter to me, good, bad, indifferent. I just went to drink!

But today, for me to go to a bar is like being on a diet and sitting in a cupcake shop! I just get all irritated and resentful that they can and I can't. Well I always can, and I have gone in the past and I ended up beating myself up that I went  and I was feeling miserable afterwards.  What's the point? And it's not safe either cause one of those times I might just decide to have one! And one is never enough. I don't drink like other people. Once it's in my body I am off to the races. And I just want more and more.

So it's ok that I don't go, because for today I choose not to drink!

Feelings Aren't Facts

But aren't they? I always thought that feelings were facts, because they felt real. I mean isn't love a fact? Or anger? Or happiness or joy? I think so! But I soon discovered that I had a flew of feelings that were really negative and I believed in those too.

Thoughts are not feelings and feelings are not facts; they only have the power we give them.

Although feelings feel real, most feelings are based on fear, fear based on our old ideas, fear based on things we believed for years and carried them in from childhood. I believed that I was a lousy human being because I was often told so. Because I believed this, I felt like a lousy human being. The feeling was very real but it was not a fact at all! The fact was that the person saying this to me was trying to hurt me and the fact was that I was not a lousy human being.

But how do you get out of this negative thinking if you are the person that has brought these negative feelings in?? My destructive drinking not only made my life unmanageable but also my feelings! Feeling that I though were based on facts! I was a bad daughter, I was a bad friend, I was a bad worker, I was a bad human because I could not control my drinking and my drinking hurt many people. I felt so much guilt and shame; I once again believed that I was a lousy human being!

But here is the truth! Alcoholism is a disease, it’s not a morality issue, I did not get up one morning and though “I want to be an alcoholic when I grow up!” NO, that was not my dream! EVER!

My dream was to be “normal,” just like everyone else! My dream was to be happy and live a good life. My dream has come true because I am sober today.

“The tyrant alcohol wielded a double-edge sword over us: first we were smitten by an insane urge that condemned us to go on drinking, and then by the allergy of the body that insured we would ultimately destroy ourselves in the process.” – Step One, 12 &12.