April 27, 2012

Sometimes I Miss Drinking

Staying sober can be difficult. At times I get the fuck it's and I think of getting drunk. Actually whenever I get upset my first instinct is to get drunk. It's a knee jerk reaction. Being drunk is my default. Being sober is unnatural. Although the longer I am sober, the easier it is to live sober. 
But I still crave being drunk. That is the strange part. I don't crave the drink itself. I mean sure the top shelf margarita floated with Grand Mariner tasted fantastic. But it was the buzz, the high, the greatly relaxing feelings that I miss. Troubles just seemed to melt away and happiness filled the air. That's when things were still ok with my drinking of course. That's when I was still able to actually enjoy drinking.

Unfortunately, this changed at some point. I no longer drank to relax and enjoy. I just drank. There was no reason. I drunk not to feel anything or to feel something more.  But it didn't work. Except it made me not care about anything.

Today, sober I have to learn how to deal with life, life on life's terms. And I have to say that besides the occasional fuck it's, this is definitely easier softer way. I am actually able to manage my feelings. I am able to enjoy the moment. The now. And actually be happy. And feel real happiness. Feelings are no longer so scary. I understand that they are just feelings and the change and go away.
I like to compare life to the weather. Everyday is different. And sober I can enjoy each days weather.

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