May 3, 2012

The Mental Obsession.

I don't often have a lot of free time on my hands. Why? It's not cause I can't have any. It's because I intentionally avoid it. It seems that when I have too much free time, my mind automatically tries to fathom some elaborate plan to drink.

In the past I actually drank many times after creating these elaborate plans. Except the plans never ended quite right. The plan always started with trying to secretly get drunk and then sober up before I had to do whatever I needed to do later.  It always made sense; I could drink till like 3p, then have 2 hours to sober up and pick up my kids. Yes that sounded perfect, but it never ended that way; I would continue to drink and not be able to pick up my kids, or go to work, or meet someone. It was very clear that when I stared drinking I never knew what would happen.

Yet I worked really hard on making these crazy plans. I think this is part of the mental obsession that the AA literature talks about. It only seem to have made sense to me, no one else. And it absolutely made no sense. Who does that? Alcoholics that's who!! Normal people don't think about drinking in the way we do. Normal people don't create plans to drink and get away with it. Normal people don't drink like us. They do not have the mental obsession like I do. 

But in sobriety I don't have to do any of this. I can make better decisions. I have choices!

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