We Agnostics

Ever since my mom died I have been mad at God. All that I have seemed to have believed in is now irrelevant. Was this his will really? That's hard to swallow for me. It is much easier to think that she was sick and that's why she died. And that's what happened.

But what do I do now? Not much. I know I cannot stay sober on my own. I need a higher power, something, someone greater than myself.

I've been reading We Agnostics in the Big Book- Online, pg 44, to help me connect with my HP, because however my believes change there still is, I believe, something greater than myself that I need to stay sober. I have tried to stay sober by myself and I failed over and over again. But once I accepted that I can rely on a power greater than myself I was able to stay sober. And this power does not have to be from any religion. Just anything that I can put my faith in. That is quite comforting because I know there are many things greater than me out there!

When, therefore, we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God. This applies, too, to other spiritual expressions which you find in this book. Do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you. 

 “Who are you to say there is no God?" 

 

Keeping It Real and Sober!

I hate hearing that another one of us has died form this crazy disease. But yet there is another drunk dead. I don't meant to be harsh, this is very sad. She has apparently been drinking for a while and fell down the stairs at her home. When found hours later she was dead. Yes this is what happens. "Institutions, jails and death".  It's scary. It's mind boggling. It is inevitable for those of us who never get sober.

I know this now and have absolutely no doubt about it. But it took some time to get it thru my thick head.  The first time I heard of drunk death, was when I guy about my age decided to cross the 6 lanes of local highway at night.

I don't know why some of us don't get it. I don't know why I finally got it. But I do know it requires constant awareness, this shit kills! I have to remember this, I have to keep it real and fresh. Because life gets better and I forget where I've been. And I already have been to institutions and jails. For me only death is left. So I'll keep coming back. This is the softer easier way!

Acceptance - Again

Acceptance seems so incredably impossible lately. Yet I feel like it is crucial to my sobriety. Unlike normal people I have to watch out for the triggers first. This sometimes means that I understand and trust my vulnerabilities. This may not make lots of sense to many people but if I do not take care of staying sober, this disease will take me out. I certenly do not want to feel my feelings, the feelings that normal people can have few drink to help ease. I can't have just a few drinks. I cannot rely on alcohol to ease the pain.

Instead I have AA. And a huge part of the program stresses Acceptance. But how do you actually accept something? What do you do to accept? Is there an actual action? I guess not really. So how does one accept?

I think this is one of those things that happens with time. I think this is something you have to practice everyday, one day at a time. I think that it also involves accepting oneself. I think that if I accept myself I can accept other things, even death.

And I think about my mom everyday and I am constantly going over the last months, weeks and days of her life. And I am trying to make sense and accept her death. I suppose in the plainest terms it is part of life and all of us will die at some point. But somehow it is all still very hard to believe.