It Wasn't My Drinking, I Thought

I brought out the box of old CDs the other day, as we have decided to cut out the TV and replace it with music. I started looking thru them and ended up playing one that I haven't heard in a very long while. It sounded good and comforting. It was a CD that I used to listen to in my early drinking days.

It brought up lots of memories! I was surprised that if felt good. I have stashed my CDs away, along with the old memories. Afraid in same way that they would make me miss those days bad enough that I would want to drink. I know it sounds extreme, doesn't it? But I had such a hard time staying sober I just kept putting away all the things that I thought would give me trouble! I would have probably hid myself if I could have! LOL! 

One of my old PICs

Anyway... Music was a huge part of my mid 20's. Of course this was way before I had an inkling of any alcoholic type trouble. I was a photographer for local bands and I had a VIP access to many shows. Now this is on a city scale, not big time or anything, nevertheless, I thought I was a superstar in my own little world - LoL! - probably like Annie Lebowitz felt when she followed the newly emerging Rolling Stones back in the early seventies, right!? And I both admired her work and wanted to be just like her. So my job seemed perfect; it was fun, and amazing, and booze and drugs were a huge part of it. Strangely enough I never got into drugs, I was actually afraid to try them. Maybe subconsciously I knew that I would have probably developed an instantaneous love affair with them. I don't know. I just believed that alcohol was safe and more acceptable, and it helped that it was legal, so it kept me "clean." So I drank, and I drank freely. I drank how I thought the band members did drugs - it always appeared to me that others were way more trashed than me. But in fact I was getting pretty trashed myself. And my job or the "safety" of my job, or how my clients behaved or how trashed they were, was not the real problem, but my excessive drinking was becoming one. 

One of my old PICs

You probably know the rest of my story here - it was very hard to keep it all together, between business and regular drinking and partying. I started missing appointments and losing clients. I made an ass of myself several times too many. I couldn't make my deadlines. I was unreliable. My photos were not up to par. And slowly I was failing at my job. But I just thought that it was the job itself and the late hours, and the badly behaved clients. It wasn't my drinking. I just needed a change, something that I was probably just better at anyway. So... I left and got a new job, at a bar. Strangely enough I remember that the same thing happened at that new job, though drinking or drugs were not part of it to the extent as the old job. I ended up leaving that job too. many jobs followed and basically, I had new job about every year or two! At the time, I sure did not see this pattern at all. Today, I see it very clearly.

Well, that was an interesting time in my life. Very active in the scene that revolved around alcohol yet totally oblivious to the addictive cycle that I already was in! Somehow, since I believed that others did more drinking or drugging than me, I felt as though was OK. Actually, I don't remember even worrying that my drinking was an issues, I actually felt that life had just dealt me a bad hand or I just had a little bad luck.

Now, listening to the CD, I was really amazed that I no longer had the drinking thoughts and that I no longer had that feeling that I am still missing the party! The party is long gone and well done. This part of my life seems like a very distant memory, yet a true and constant reminder of how much denial I was actually in.

Vacation Sober

Ahhh. Vacation! Yes!

I started writing this before we left but I didn't get a chance to post it, so well, here it is from the beginning:

      I am really looking forward to our vacation at the beach. We are going to unplug! No electronics! The funny part is that I am hoping that I will be ok with that; little addicted to it all? Hmmm maybe.

So I was sitting here at my desk, and thinking about what I have learned about being sober on vacation, and I was trying to remember what my vacations were like when I was drinking. And you know what? I don't remember. I can not remember! OMG. I know I took vacations, well, maybe I did not? No there had to be some. Well, I don't know if I don't remember because I was always drunk or because I just didn't go. Probably a little of both. Sigh.

Our last vacation was exhausting. Yep. That's what I remember the most and that it seemed as if everyone around us was drinking. We stayed at a kid friendly resort; it actually advertised itself as kid friendly! So naturally we thought it would be "safe" right? I mean parents don't drink around their kids right? Wrong. At the pool, in the game room, at the snack stand - they were drinking everywhere. I didn't expect this at all. But of course there is a big difference between how I would have drank and how these people drank! This was two years ago with 3 years sober and I found myself very envious and resentful. The "why me" hang over me the first few days and I couldn't shake it. They seemed like normal folk, aren't we normal folk? Ugh. Well no, in a way we are not. But, today I have to say, that I feel much more confident in my sobriety. So I am hoping that I will not have such a hard time :)

 Read more about my last vacation: Sober Vacation

      And now sitting in the car, on our way back from the beach, I am exhausted again! It was all just none stop, go, go go! But we had an awesome time! I have actually learned how to focus on those great moments and be grateful for them! And I took a billion pictures, with my phone, because I forgot my camera! Yep! Building new memories! These are the "Good old days!" - As my sponsor says!

And yes, once again there was drinking around us! Strangely enough, way less than at the kid friendly resort, but... I still had the same feelings of resentment that they could and I couldn't. Yep. Still there, at least for the first day. Good grief, it is hard to believe that It is still so easily to get my mind wrapped up in the illusion of glamorous drinking. I must say I admire the people that say they were able to put down the drink and never look back! That's not me I guess, and well, that's OK. With time, it has become much easier, that is for sure. I definitely don't have the same cravings and craziness in my mind as I used to have in the first year or so of sobriety.

I think the difference now is that I have my tools and I actually use them; it has sort of become a habit! I immediately look for things I can do to get my mind in different direction, instead of letting myself dwell on the feelings and letting them fester. Usually I first tell someone, like my sponsor or my husband who is also in recovery - but they were not available because I was at the pool with the two older kids when my first drinking feelings came on. So then I knew I just needed to stop staring and focusing on the drinking people, so, I got in the pool and chased my kids around pretending to be a shark! Lol! In a matter of minutes I had totally forgotten about being resentful. Lol! Good times! Later, I cheated with the no electronics rule a bit, well the phone doesn't count does it? - so I read a whole bunch if great blogs; that is a great tool, I tell ya it is so nice to have this cyber support that you can access at any time!  I am so grateful to be sober, and to all the sober bloggers, thank you!

-Maggie

At the Beach Sober!

A Sunny Day

© Nirbhay Kwatra

The sun was shining so bright,
having beaten the clouds in fight.

We wanted to go out for fun,
I wish the clouds could beat the sun.

Evening came and the sun went down,
We all went for a walk in the town.

Water was flowing down the stream,
While I was licking my ice cream.

The stars shone brightly in the sky,
they finally showed all their might

Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/a-sunny-day#ixzz338tU8fIl
Family Friend Poems